Keeping it together

Image by isabel bloedwater via FlickrI just put out a fire at work. Not one of those office-fires where it's just an emergency that can be solved with liberal use of the words "I understand..." and "I apologize..." and "of course...", but rather one of those fires with flames. The butt-box was on fire and my desk is too close to the door not to smell it. Second time this month, but the first time since I quit smoking. My jaw is still tightly clenched, grimacing from the acrid stench that is sitting on my clothes for the past hour since I dumped my tea on the flames. There's a gross patch of tar on the sleeve of my sweater where I brushed up against the container. I kinda feel like I'm going to toss cookie.

I don't have this sort of motivation and affirmation that quitting smoking is awesome on a daily basis. Daily, I have to ask the Duder to say he will be right back, rather than "I'm going for a smoke." I have to gulp glasses of water when my co-workers parade past my desk to their smoke breaks. I have to schedule every minute of my day to make sure there is no time for smoking. I also have to work out. Which is pretty awesome.

Every other day I will go for a run and follow-up with body-weight exercises. I break it up so that my body has a chance to rest and so I don't go insane trying to find another hour on days when I already go to class for all the time that I am not working. Coupled with not smoking, I've finally started to feel great.

RUNNING
Start off super small. Get a decent pair of shoes. Use Google maps to see how far you've gone. Now is a great time to listen to books on tape - I'm currently learning about the opera (it's pretty bad-ass). Drink as much water as you want. Watch the squirrels as you go by. Breathe in your nose, out your mouth. Relax your shoulders. Cough and spit all you want/need. Sign up for a 5K in the spring and put on a hat (it's starting to get cold). Go to Runner's World; pretty much all the reference needed is here, you just have to look.

BODY-WEIGHT EXERCISES

All you need is a yoga mat, if you want the padding. Don't really need the shoes, but the same pair for running works. I got an interval timer, but only because they are super-handy, not because it was necessary. And then go to Body Rock. Zuzana is wonderful and puts together amazing workouts that are quick and sweaty. Plus she's a fox. Serious.

I tried to find some articles about addiction to exercise and fitness and couldn't find one with a tone that didn't immediately make me cranky. Fitness and exercise are fabulous. They make you feel (and be) powerful. They help you look great. And those two things are just as addictive as cocaine. Since I know myself a lot better than I once did, I know that I need to be careful with the promise of power and beauty and the euphoria of a long stretch after a long run. Watch yourself, be true to yourself and take care of yourself.

Work-out Strategies: Changing up your Fitness Routine to Build New Pathways is an interesting read about opiate addiction and fitness routine; a snapshot of a day for a woman with Vicodin addiction.

Unusual Ways to Quit Smoking aren't really unusual, but aren't bad ideas at all. Whatever it takes, right?

Addiction recovery: Healthy living tips has a great quote:

" Bad habits took time to develop; so do good ones. "

It's Friday!

WAT.

Combining my love of bulldogs with my love of skateboarding! Awesome!

So I am very nervous about the next couple of days. Last weekend, I slipped. He slipped. It was all a big mess of falling over and feeling like shit. My distractions for today include:

• Work out: 30min running, 10min body-weight exercises, stretch like crazy and take a bath after (1.5hrs)
• Do my nails: perfect for after the bath when my cuticles are all soft; yes, super girlie, but I love doing nails: if Duder didn't bite his all the time, he would have perfectly manicured nails and great nail-beds (2hrs)
• Make dinner: venison cutlets (the Polish kind, really tasty glorified meatballs), rice and something else that I dig out of the fridge (1hr-1.5hrs)
• Start on homework with Star Trek in the background (2hrs complete with distractions)

That will take me 7hrs. At which time I will drag Duder into bed and we will watch movies till we pass out. At no point will I (we) drink. At no point will I smoke. If I feel like I need to do either of these things, I will drop and do five push-ups. How you like them apples?

I found this today and was initially put off by the author calling habits "micro-addictions". But the "Unbeatable tips" are still pretty valid for destructive addictions. Maybe it's time to be aware that "micro-addictions" can easily become compulsions if we become too attached to them for whatever reason.

" The hardest part about changing habits is that they’re a pattern. We’re comfortable doing what we have always been doing. Even though we aren’t necessarily happy with what we’re doing, it’s more comfortable following the same pattern than breaking it. Much of this is because we get intimidated trying to make drastic changes. Overhauling your life will never be accomplished in a single day, so just take it easy. Take it one day, or hour, at a time if you need. Commit to changing your habit for just today. "

10 Unbeatable Tips for Overcoming Micro-Addictions - Zen Habits

Children and Stimulus Addiction is a good catalyst for getting my brain thinking, even if it isn't terribly unique. How could I have been better protected against addiction as a child? My mother neither drinks nor smokes, although my father did both to extreme excess (but he wasn't around). I was always shoved outside because mom didn't know what else to do with me. But I was the victim of bullying, thought I wasn't good enough because no one had time for me, and did everything I could for attention. What if you played the video games with your kids? Watched the same shows they did? Went out and played with them? Talked to their "friends" parents to communicate openly about problems? I hate finger pointing and I don't like to do it myself (most of the time) but I think that parents who complain that their children are addicted to "stimulus" need to have a look at themselves and the choices they have made for their kids. These are crazy formative times and they need all the help they can get. [end rant]

So here's to a good weekend. Sunshine, brisk winds, skateboards and bulldogs, shiny new nail polish and ground venison.

W.I.

Life changes

Image by Libertinus; CC license Attribution-ShareAlike

Part of my recovery experience is trying to identify triggers, places we go and things we do that make it harder to give up the things we used to cling to.

• Going to the bar (right, I smoke when I drink and what is he supposed to do at a bar, drink soda and ignore everyone boozing around him? awesome.)
• Going to certain restaurants (sushi with Asahi, Italian with wine, steak with whisky, etc)
• Going out dancing (with the bar right in the middle, see above)
• Doing anything on Friday nights (IT'S PARTY TIME!)
• Doing anything on Saturday nights (see above)
• Cleaning the apartment (how did I go through a pack in one day? I thought I was cleaning...)
• Sitting on the balcony (nothing like a western exposure for a smoke and a beer at the end of the day)
• After sex (this is flavour country)
• At work (9:30 break, 11:30 break, 14:00 break, off at 16:00 smokings)

I vaguely remember a line from a James Bond novel about how letting yourself fall into a daily routine will get you killed. He was talking about spies, but I can see how it applies to addicts (I hate that word. Is there a better word?)

I'm going to take some time now, break it down:

WORK

The most strongly developed routine in my life is my work routine. What I do as soon as I get into the office, my breaks, my calls, processing cheques: everything is on a timer. Since I am depended on by others and their processes to have certain things done at a certain time, I can't shift everything around (which would probably make it all easier). But I can make break-time smoke-time become break-time tea-time (jasmine green tea - damn right). I can stay a couple minutes late instead of rushing out for a cigarette, even if it's just to go to the bathroom.

GOING OUT

This one can be fun - instead of going to the same old places, hit up Yelp and find somewhere new! Make it a project to order something you've never had before at each restaurant and ask them to leave out the wine list when they bring the menus. That could probably even be included in reservation requirements if it's somewhere fancy enough. And I guess it's time to say goodbye to the bar-friends. Unless they want to come play in the park with me. Most bars (in Canada anyway) have near-beer in the fridge if you can't say good-bye for reals, but that is mighty hard to sit there, sipping fake beer, not having a shot when the call goes up, and so on. Can't go clubbing - maybe take waltzing lessons (hilarious!), organize a kitchen dance party (apartment dwellers, beware!), or even just stalking out some beach real estate to watch the waves at night (so pretty in the winter!)

WEEKEND

It's going to come. There is nothing I can do to stop it. So it's just time to adjust thinking a little. If I go to sleep at a relatively reasonable time, I can get to my favourite diner for breakfast before the line starts. Friday night is really the same as Thursday night: I still worked an entire day before beginning my social plans. Use the above strategies; sign up for a class that runs on Friday nights, or even early Saturday and Sunday; go to a museum (the ROM has half-price Friday nights!); chill in bed with your honey, a bag of popcorn and the complete season of Metalocalypse.

SEX

After sex craving? Have sex again. Lather, rinse and repeat to exhaustion. Then sleep. Maybe take a shower on giraffe legs (together!)

SPECIFIC LOCATIONS/ACTIVITIES

I don't go on the balcony anymore. I haven't in awhile. Last time I did, I was smoking. It sucks, because the balcony is beautiful, but I'm not ready yet. Instead of doing massive cleaning jags with half hour smoke breaks, I clean one thing for half an hour. That's it. I can do more later or let my roommates pick up some slack (hell, I do their dishes and wash their floors anyway). This plan of attack is defensive - avoidance. Adjustment. Recognizing my weakness and just not doing it.

I saw today that I've had at least 9 visitors. Not bad for an un-promoted blog. Anyone got other routine changing strategies?

W.I.

brutal weekend

bad weekend. bad bad weekend. bad bad bad long weekend.

x = trying to quit smoking
y = trying to quit drinking
n = enormous extended family
z = limited # of cottages

x + y + (n/z) = smokin' an' boozin' an' eatin' an' pukin' an' EFF!

It's one of those harsh light of day things. And reaffirming things. And my brain feels like it's been bludgeoned for three days straight in trying to figure out how I'm going to handle myself and look I went and blew it.

All that's left is Advil.

W.I.

100% guaranteed!!!

Image by Vectorportal; CC license Attribution

Obviously, in my search to find my path through the smoking cessation nightmare, I have come across a million plans, pills, products and promotions (have you noticed: it's alliteration; I love alliteration, especially with p.)

I don't feel good about these products. Many of them provide substitutions or delay the inevitable. I totally understand that for some people, these much be miracle workers, and maybe you need to decide for yourself whether they are for you or not. They are not for me. If I can't combat the withdrawal, the cravings, the depression and the hunger that all come along with quitting, then I feel that I won't stay quit. Smoking will be an easy out instead of earning my freedom. I won't have fought for it, so it won't be as precious to me. Eh, if I start smoking again, I'll just buy the damn patch and quit again.

No, no. Not for me.

Things I am trying:

1. Cold Turkey (I like cold pizza, why not cold turkey badum-bum)
2. Smoker's Helpline (from the Canadian Cancer Society: I'm a huge believer in support and that sometimes it just needs to be anonymous, rather than coloured by personal relationships and hang-ups) (Really, go here. They offer tons of support including text messages!!)
   
3. Chewing cloves (I actually haven't done this yet, but plan to try over this weekend... the oral fixation is driving me crazy!!)
4. Drinking a metric shit-ton of water (I haven't peed this much in ever)
5. Running/working out (while I do this anyway for a variety of reasons, it has taken on a kind of ferocity that I wasn't expecting; I do it because it just feels so damn awesome after.)
6. Keeping busy, keeping distracted (see this blog, uh-huh, distraction right here)
7. Mantras (they work for running, they may work for smoking)
   

I don't buy into patches, hypnosis, laser therapy, electric cigarettes, herbal substitutions, magic books (a.k.a. self hypnosis), or anything that promises satisfaction. I personally can't handle medication. Expect pain. Be strong. You can do it. (I can, I can.)

W.I.

day two

Slightly more manageable today. So far. Some work frustration, but that is to be exected, especially when you've been withdrawing off a stimulant (whoo!)

I also seem to be getting pissy with every article I've been coming across today. I know I was a raging bitch last night, despite yesterday's report of cheeriness. And as the day progresses, I"ve been getting increasingly short with my co-workers. Yes friends, this is Stardard Withdrawal Symptom (SWS) #2: Irritability. I may not be as dizzy, but I look at my pen as a weapon more and more.

It's chill out time!!


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I like puppies and kittens. Puppies and kittens make me smile. I don't mind being predictable in this manner. I look at puppies and kittens and I will be at least a bit happier. To combat irritability: every five minutes an image should pop up on my screen from either Cute Overload or I Can Has Cheezburger? Someone write this program for me. Like right now.

DEALING WITH WEIGHT GAIN - I love the hard caps. Like we aren't afraid of it enough when we quit smoking, now it's RIGHT THERE IN MY FACE OMG. I've been managing by eating as many beer nuts as I want and then sleeping off the sugar high. It doesn't hurt that I have running as part of my routine for not smothering Duder re: quitting drinking. It all comes together. But still good advice:

" Ignore weight gain. Go ahead and quit. "

101 Things To Do instead of Smoking Lists=yay! About.com=boo! For some reason I am sure is hilarious on the about.com forums, there are basic instructions on building a closet buried in the list. But the rest ain't bad ideas.

It is finally sunny outside. I am still getting work done. I ate some delicious gnocchi for lunch. Puppies are awesome. Kitties are sweet. Duder is the best in the world (no joke.) I have great boots on. It's almost been 48hrs since my last cigarette. Not bad at all.

W.I.

Dear God in Heaven.

This is what withdrawal feels like.

It sucks.

I can't breathe. I'm so dizzy. I can't stop coughing. My mind is telling me that it will all stop if I just go outside... have a quick drag... just one... then you can quit all over again...

GAH! It has been nearly 24 hours since I looked down and knew that I was smoking my last cigarette. I feel like I'm going to toss cookie all over my desk.

This is all in my head. I have missed days of smoking before (ran out of money) (grandma would have killed me) (why aren't there convenience stores in the woods?) and it was nowhere near this painful. I was a bitch, sure, but this is completely different. Besides, I am in high spirits right now. I can't wait to go home and tell the Dude that I have gone my first day without smoking.

The internet completely failed to distract me. But here we go:

South Africa's smoking chimp is dead of old age - at 52. I am sad at stupidity.

" Mr. Khedama says zookeepers tried to stop visitors from encouraging Charlie in a habit many humans are trying to quit. "

Smoking baby has reportedly quit... please don't read the comments. Head will asplode (I guess it is CNN). But at least the baby has done what I am trying to do.

How to Quit Smoking: Canadian Lung Association read it over and over. And again. And again. These words are my mantra.

" 1. Drink water
2. Deep breaths
3. Delay
4. Do something different "

I have these posted up in my cube. And I feel a bit better.

W.I.

...dropped with a thud

Image by Steven DePolo; CC license Attribution

It's over, stick. I don't love you anymore. I used to, you know, for nearly 15 years. A long on-and-off affair that was drawn out to it's(my) last dying breath.

I remember being ten, on the playground after school. I said to a friend "I'm going to smoke when I'm 18." It was like "when I grow up..." but more concrete, a much more attainable goal. No one in my family smoked, but they were lame. I wish I could remember what made me make that statement, but I was right. By 18, I was smoking and had been for 3 years.

That was the beginning. This is the end. I've said that so many times, but I have this sense of inspiration from Dude kicking his habit and finality from the last cigarette in the pack last night. It's so very over. Anything else after this point is like self-abusive ex-sex: you do it because it hurts and it is a lie and it is so very not good for you. Anything else is backpedaling and weak.

thud, bud.

W.I.