Intervention

Okay, so you're concerned. And someone else is in denial? So it's intervention time, right?

Ahahaha. No.

Whenever I'd needed help, it was impossible for me to accept it. Help was a form of judgement and control. Help meant giving up myself. Help meant letting go of all my dearly held "issues". Help was weak, and I was better than that.

I wasn't ready for an intervention. There was no way I would have accepted it and chances were I would have cut whoever was trying out of my life (at least until I got my shit back together [I'm so sorry, doll.]) What it really took was a horrendous series of event culminating in the sketched out revelation that

" this isn't fun anymore. was it ever? "

And it wasn't like:

Image by macieklew; via flickr

But more like:

Image by *Zara; via flickr

And I moved out of the house. And I deleted my dealer's number. And I stopped talking to everyone that still called me "canary" (as long as I did more than them and survived, they were okay; great nickname, huh?) And I learned how to cook. And I got a cat.

I don't think the lesson here is to just let your loved ones be, that they'll figure it out themselves. I hope its more that timing is of the serious essence. I'm sure the people who really cared about me watched me go up and down and felt like they couldn't say anything. But there are small things that can (and did) go a long way.

" I miss you. "

" I love you. "

" I want you to be okay. "

" If you ever need me, I am yours. "

Celebrity Doctors: Miraculous Ability to Diagnose in Absentia shows how easy it is for someone outside the situation (in this case talk-show doctors) to diagnose what the problem is. Although the article is geared towards the arrogance of Dr. Drew and the like, I think I know more than a few arrogant people in my time who wanted to make sure I knew exactly what they thought was wrong. Hell, I'm sure I've been one. Maybe I'm being one now (dundunDUN) ...

7 tips on alcoholism intervention has the essence of it down. The kicker:

" Tune in to your friend’s need and show compassion. It doesn’t help to accuse "

Trading a video-game obsession for school books from the Globe and Mail follows the classic video game addiction line (thrown in with a bit of "boys suck at school" pfft), but illustrates the positivity of having supportive people in your life, whatever role. I really believe that this is

essential to recovery and successful "intervention."

I really do believe that intervention is a gradual thing. The idea of a room filled with my peers telling me how much I hurt them would have sent me back to my dealer's place with $60. But having people in my life who are there for me, are willing to pick me up off the kitchen floor and get me a coffee and sincerely want to help makes me want to be better. And yea, having a list of numbers I could call to talk to someone on your phone so no one else in the house could hear me crying, that helped a lot.

It's Friday!

WAT.

Combining my love of bulldogs with my love of skateboarding! Awesome!

So I am very nervous about the next couple of days. Last weekend, I slipped. He slipped. It was all a big mess of falling over and feeling like shit. My distractions for today include:

• Work out: 30min running, 10min body-weight exercises, stretch like crazy and take a bath after (1.5hrs)
• Do my nails: perfect for after the bath when my cuticles are all soft; yes, super girlie, but I love doing nails: if Duder didn't bite his all the time, he would have perfectly manicured nails and great nail-beds (2hrs)
• Make dinner: venison cutlets (the Polish kind, really tasty glorified meatballs), rice and something else that I dig out of the fridge (1hr-1.5hrs)
• Start on homework with Star Trek in the background (2hrs complete with distractions)

That will take me 7hrs. At which time I will drag Duder into bed and we will watch movies till we pass out. At no point will I (we) drink. At no point will I smoke. If I feel like I need to do either of these things, I will drop and do five push-ups. How you like them apples?

I found this today and was initially put off by the author calling habits "micro-addictions". But the "Unbeatable tips" are still pretty valid for destructive addictions. Maybe it's time to be aware that "micro-addictions" can easily become compulsions if we become too attached to them for whatever reason.

" The hardest part about changing habits is that they’re a pattern. We’re comfortable doing what we have always been doing. Even though we aren’t necessarily happy with what we’re doing, it’s more comfortable following the same pattern than breaking it. Much of this is because we get intimidated trying to make drastic changes. Overhauling your life will never be accomplished in a single day, so just take it easy. Take it one day, or hour, at a time if you need. Commit to changing your habit for just today. "

10 Unbeatable Tips for Overcoming Micro-Addictions - Zen Habits

Children and Stimulus Addiction is a good catalyst for getting my brain thinking, even if it isn't terribly unique. How could I have been better protected against addiction as a child? My mother neither drinks nor smokes, although my father did both to extreme excess (but he wasn't around). I was always shoved outside because mom didn't know what else to do with me. But I was the victim of bullying, thought I wasn't good enough because no one had time for me, and did everything I could for attention. What if you played the video games with your kids? Watched the same shows they did? Went out and played with them? Talked to their "friends" parents to communicate openly about problems? I hate finger pointing and I don't like to do it myself (most of the time) but I think that parents who complain that their children are addicted to "stimulus" need to have a look at themselves and the choices they have made for their kids. These are crazy formative times and they need all the help they can get. [end rant]

So here's to a good weekend. Sunshine, brisk winds, skateboards and bulldogs, shiny new nail polish and ground venison.

W.I.

Life changes

Image by Libertinus; CC license Attribution-ShareAlike

Part of my recovery experience is trying to identify triggers, places we go and things we do that make it harder to give up the things we used to cling to.

• Going to the bar (right, I smoke when I drink and what is he supposed to do at a bar, drink soda and ignore everyone boozing around him? awesome.)
• Going to certain restaurants (sushi with Asahi, Italian with wine, steak with whisky, etc)
• Going out dancing (with the bar right in the middle, see above)
• Doing anything on Friday nights (IT'S PARTY TIME!)
• Doing anything on Saturday nights (see above)
• Cleaning the apartment (how did I go through a pack in one day? I thought I was cleaning...)
• Sitting on the balcony (nothing like a western exposure for a smoke and a beer at the end of the day)
• After sex (this is flavour country)
• At work (9:30 break, 11:30 break, 14:00 break, off at 16:00 smokings)

I vaguely remember a line from a James Bond novel about how letting yourself fall into a daily routine will get you killed. He was talking about spies, but I can see how it applies to addicts (I hate that word. Is there a better word?)

I'm going to take some time now, break it down:

WORK

The most strongly developed routine in my life is my work routine. What I do as soon as I get into the office, my breaks, my calls, processing cheques: everything is on a timer. Since I am depended on by others and their processes to have certain things done at a certain time, I can't shift everything around (which would probably make it all easier). But I can make break-time smoke-time become break-time tea-time (jasmine green tea - damn right). I can stay a couple minutes late instead of rushing out for a cigarette, even if it's just to go to the bathroom.

GOING OUT

This one can be fun - instead of going to the same old places, hit up Yelp and find somewhere new! Make it a project to order something you've never had before at each restaurant and ask them to leave out the wine list when they bring the menus. That could probably even be included in reservation requirements if it's somewhere fancy enough. And I guess it's time to say goodbye to the bar-friends. Unless they want to come play in the park with me. Most bars (in Canada anyway) have near-beer in the fridge if you can't say good-bye for reals, but that is mighty hard to sit there, sipping fake beer, not having a shot when the call goes up, and so on. Can't go clubbing - maybe take waltzing lessons (hilarious!), organize a kitchen dance party (apartment dwellers, beware!), or even just stalking out some beach real estate to watch the waves at night (so pretty in the winter!)

WEEKEND

It's going to come. There is nothing I can do to stop it. So it's just time to adjust thinking a little. If I go to sleep at a relatively reasonable time, I can get to my favourite diner for breakfast before the line starts. Friday night is really the same as Thursday night: I still worked an entire day before beginning my social plans. Use the above strategies; sign up for a class that runs on Friday nights, or even early Saturday and Sunday; go to a museum (the ROM has half-price Friday nights!); chill in bed with your honey, a bag of popcorn and the complete season of Metalocalypse.

SEX

After sex craving? Have sex again. Lather, rinse and repeat to exhaustion. Then sleep. Maybe take a shower on giraffe legs (together!)

SPECIFIC LOCATIONS/ACTIVITIES

I don't go on the balcony anymore. I haven't in awhile. Last time I did, I was smoking. It sucks, because the balcony is beautiful, but I'm not ready yet. Instead of doing massive cleaning jags with half hour smoke breaks, I clean one thing for half an hour. That's it. I can do more later or let my roommates pick up some slack (hell, I do their dishes and wash their floors anyway). This plan of attack is defensive - avoidance. Adjustment. Recognizing my weakness and just not doing it.

I saw today that I've had at least 9 visitors. Not bad for an un-promoted blog. Anyone got other routine changing strategies?

W.I.

Quote time!

" Anyone who suffers from addiction knows it's part of your daily life to remain constantly vigilant about drugs.

It's not like you're constantly drifting past crack dealers, but you have to be aware that the potential for relapse is ever-present.

If you ever think it's over; that's when you're in trouble. "

-Russell Brand (to the Toronto Star)

Personality

Image by Giuseppe Bognanni; CC license Attribution

I have a super addictive personality. In my time I have been addicted to (yay lists! not complete):

• grilled cheese sandwiches
• cocaine
• methamphetamine
• cigarettes
• people (lovers, friends, celebrities)
• alcohol
• cacti (not ingesting, but learning everything I can about them)
• caffeine
• television shows (Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, Star Trek)
• sleeping
• Linux
  

This list illustrates the different types of additions that one can have. Sure, there's booze and coke and meth and smokes which are the "traditional" substance-type addiction. Then there's behavioural addiction (similar to "soft" addiction, except it can really hurt you) where one has a compulsion to do an activity. And of course soft addiction - I can watch season two of BG over and over and over and damn does it ever annoy my roommates. But it doesn't really hurt me at all (except a tiny bit socially, but everyone has their quirks, right?) When I slept for almost two weeks straight, getting up only to pee and maybe drink some water - yea, there was something wrong there.

I guess it's the difference between interest and compulsion, preference and requirement, want and need. I think I've always had a hard time seperating the two into little boxes, instead it's like all the yarn in my knitting drawer. I need what I want right now. Add stubbornness (problem!)

In a round about way, I think it's a problem with self-satisfaction. I look to things to make me happy, because I can't make myself happy. Then once these external things start paying out the happiness, it's go time. Why can't I be happy with myself?

Why not?

" I am a valuable human being and love myself just the way that I am "

"I do not need anything or anyone else because I am wonderful the way I am "

" I love myself and the world; this draws love to me "

" I am interesting and interested in myself "

W.I.

Overwhelmed

Image by Rennet Stowe ; CC Attribution license

Reliving li(v)es from past drug abuse. Attempting to quit smoking (for the nth time). Supporting partner with alcoholism recovery. Watching videogames replace life experience. Witness to fitness dominating all. Food as god, demon, lover and tormentor. Trying to deal. Trying to deal. Trying to deal. Trying, trying, trying.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a circle. One thing is replaced by another. Nothing changes, patterns repeat. I'm not the only one either: I see friends and family in their own little mouse wheels of different colours and different speeds, but we're all going around and around.

I hadn't cried for almost a year and this weekend put an end date on my record. We're going to work it out. He is going to (has) quit drinking. What do I do now? How do I help him stay strong, keep true to myself and show him that I appreciate his hard work, love him - without wounding, digging, rubbing in pain?

The Female Partner of the Recovering Male Alcoholic - a study looking at effectiveness of treatments; pro-behavioural therapy; feminism and female roles; codependency; one case-study

Yahoo! Answers - I'm dating a recovering alcoholic... - support suggestions, one very very good response from a recovered alcoholic; pro-AA; again addressing codependency; fabulous quote:

" So my answer to your question, "anything else I can do to be supportive", is...take care of yourself; put the focus off him (let him do that himself) and do what you need for yourself to stay healthy. "

Okay, then. Project for this week: take care of self. It is not hard. I can be whelmed, rather than over-. Just one week of be sure to do these things.

1. Run a couple times this week. Let's say, three.
2. Take a bitchin' awesome bath. Salts and candles and music, the whole kaboodle.
   
3. Go to bed early at least once to get the full 8hrs sleep.
4. Wear a bright and beautiful outfit that makes me feel awesome at least once.
5. Take time to read a book I love.

And this still makes me happy:

W.I.